Sometimes....& Always

Sometimes

I am not sure why things happen the way that they do but I have to keep believing that everything happens for a reason, the reason I may not know right now, or I may never know.

I am sad that I'm not pregnant anymore, that our time together was very short-lived and that we have to leave our babies in a hospital and yet I know it's where they need to be right now...

I have baby envy when I see families in the lobby of the hospital with their bundles of joy safe and snug in the car seat, surrounded by flowers, balloons and smiling faces...

I am jealous of mommies with babies in carriages walking on the street...

I look down and am startled by the hospital bracelet that must remain on my wrist because it allows me to see Emma-Sky and Lucian every day....

I'm so tired and/or hungry I can't carry on a conversation and I feel confused...

I can't believe another day is coming to a close, I wish the days were shorter sometimes and other times I wish they were longer...

Always

I'm always happy that I get to go to sleep next to Adam every night and wake up beside him every morning. I catch myself watching him sleep, calmed by his breathing. I find the rhythm of his breaths and match my own breathing to his because it helps me fall asleep and makes me feel better...

I'm always happy to be at the hospital to talk to Emma-Sky and Lucian... to feel their tiny but strong grip around my finger, to see their eyes open up and look at us, to hear them cry...

I'm happy their grandparents have gotten to see them and look forward to when they can come again... we see changes each day so they will certainly see big differences the next time...

I am grateful for the hot, home-cooked meal my Mom made for us a few days ago - we hadn't had anything home cooked since Easter. It was pasta with lentils and carrots and it was delicious.