Deep Breaths

As we drive to the NICU I'm relieved, excited, and happy that we're finally going to see them, and at the same time I'm anxious about what has changed since we've seen them last. At the hospital the elevators take an exceptionally long time to come - in part because they are just really slow but also because we want to get upstairs ASAP. Sometimes the security guard asks if we're going to the NICU because normal visiting hours are over. Sometimes the nurses who are with our babies don't know us (yet) and we have to go through the checking of the ID bracelet dance. And I get frustrated - we just want to see our kids! Is it typical that people who have no business being in the NICU show up for fun? I know it's protocol and it's for their safety but I have to remind myself to take deep breaths. As an aside, the parking lot should be free for everyone or at the very least for patients - now we have to pay somewhere around $11 -$17 dollars on average (every day!) to see our kids or get very lucky and find parking. Then I feel guilty for getting aggitated by any of this because I'm also extremely grateful and happy with their progress thus far. I guess I just don't want any obstacles to seeing them and being with them. I want them home. I feel guilty that they came out so early no matter how many times I hear that it's nothing I did or didn't do. The nurse last night said that they look really good for "25 weekers" and that "I must've taken good care of myself". I did try to eat well and I diligently took all of my vitamins and supplements. Deep breaths. Last night when we got there Lucian was extubated again and doing well, pulseox reading in the high 90s, sometimes 100. Both of his eyes are open and he was lying on his side looking content and adorable. Emma-Sky's eyes are open as well. :) For some reason, ever since they moved her into the same room as her big brother, her pulseox has been in the high 80s, low 90s and they bumped her oxygen to 25% and increased the rate. It concerns and confuses us. She was at 21% - the absolute minimum and always stayed at about 98 - 100. I asked the doctor about this and got the answer I knew I'd get - "sometimes they change week to week, if we see this is chronic we'll investigate it more but it's normal."

Normal. Dictionary. com defines normal as 1. conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural. or 2. serving to establish a standard. Our normal has certainly changed drastically. It's normal to say our son or our daughter when in conversation about Emma-Sky and Lucian. Normal is pumping breastmilk every three hours. Normal is my heart skipping a beat and holding my breath everytime my cell phone rings - is it the NICU??? Normal is going to the Chapel everyday and praying for them and for all the babies there and for all babies in general as well as their parents. Normal is hoping they don't desaturate and don't get any infections and thrive and come home when they're ready, happy and healthy. Normal is feeling anxious, happy, stressed, worried, grateful, frustrated, afraid, guilty, excited, loved, sad, and hopeful. Normal is sometimes talking yourself into inhaling and exhaling.