If you're ok, I'm ok.

The nurses that had Emma-Sky and Lucian were all business last night. And that's me being nice. They made us feel like we were almost in their way or inconveniencing them somehow. I was uncomfortable to say the least and not getting straight answers when I asked them. Needless to say I was a bit frustrated and exhausted last night. Most importantly they are both doing well. Lucian remains extubated and is only on 21% oxygen (the minimum setting). Emma-Sky is on a different type of machine because her nostrils were irritated and they wanted to give her a break. She was at 29% oxygen which is the highest we've ever seen her at. I asked why it was up so high and was told "she was at 30% when I came on this shift, we can't have her where we'd like her to be we have to support her as we see she needs it.... or it could be that this type of support has more leakage than the one she had going directly into her nose." I caught myself biting the inside of my cheek, arms crossed. So it could be that's what she needs... or it could be that this nasal cannula just allows for more leakage so we have to compensate for that. I know that we can't leave her on settings that don't give her what she needs, and that would never be my preference, my question was why did she need more all of a sudden. 21 or 23% is a lot different than practically 30. At any rate, Emma had a bath while we were there and they took her out of the isolette completely uncovered. It was the first time we'd seen her so exposed, her little head and all. Both of her eyes were wide open, in an almost what's going on expression. The hours are long between being there and being home. The worry sometimes builds up and sometimes I feel like crying because we're seperated, because I don't know if I'm doing enough. I feel bad when I'm tired or don't feel like pumping when really that's all I can contribute. I worry that Adam's overwhelmed or that Gina needs things I can't give her right now. All I can do is hope that giving my all to those I love will be good enough. When I was in the hospital before we had the babies, Adam told me on more than one occasion, "If you're ok, I'm ok." And that's how we've always felt.

It's funny how circumstances such as these truly bring out the best in others. We have had many encouraging words and love sent our way and we're very grateful for that. Family, friends, the people we're so lucky to work with, even people I went to high school with and haven't spoken to in 10 years (senior year of high school was ten years ago, how scary is that!) have said very touching things that I will hold onto and re-read. Just offering to help means more to us than you can know.