To have and to hold.

Towards the later weeks of my pregnancy (19 - 24), when I started to feel Emma-Sky and Lucian move around quite a bit, I was looking forward to the day my water would break - expecting that to be somewhere between 36-38 weeks of pregnancy, maybe even 40 weeks. The natural anticipation of hearing their first cries and having them put into my arms soon followed but our experience, as you well know, has been far from ordinary. They were not brought to us when they were born but were instead wisked away to the neonatologist. When I first saw them it had been many hours after they were born and they were intubated, their cries could no longer be heard. Their skin was almost translucent, thin and delicate. It seemed it was going to be a long, long time before holding them would be a real possibility. Thursday night that possibility became a reality. Not too long ago Emma-Sky's nurse let me hold her in my hands, inside the isolette and it was a really special moment, one I will always cherish. Thursday night I was telling Adam I wanted to just take them home, how desperately I wanted to hold them and Lucian's nurse simply said, "you want to hold him?" and I answered yes, not expecting her to actually let me. And then she carefully wrapped him up in a blanket, took him out of the isolette and gently placed him into my arms. It's hard to describe having your own baby in your arms - I've held many babies in my life, especially being the oldest of four children, I've had my fair share of baby holding, diaper changing, etc. but there's no comparison to holding your baby. Every Mom and Dad knows what I mean. So in these wee hours of Mother's Day, when sleep just isn't an option, the seperation too immense and heavy, I am thankful to be a Mom for the first time, to know the joy and love it brings.

Recent Changes -

Lucian is 2lbs 3ounces and Emma-Sky is 2lbs 1ounce.
Lucian is up to 18ccs of breastmilk and his breathing is improving. His nose is healing but the septum is still pretty bad, the doctor actually said, "it's so bad" more than once and that in a months time, as he puts on more weight we'll have to see what it looks like and might have to consult the plastic surgeon. Emma's belly looks significantly better, she's been on NEC watch all week, had another round of antibiotics and was on IV fluids only. The same green bile has been coming up from her stomach but all tests and xrays show that she's ok, confusing and frustrating but no infection makes us happy.