Taking it all in.

As I try to type this through blurry eyes and tear stained cheeks I'm so angry, wondering why this happened. Why are our babies are across a bridge in a hospital that seems far, far away. I'm exhausted, running on empty. I wish I could just stay there all the time and hold them.

My mom came to visit yesterday which was nice, especially since it was Mother's Day. I wish they would let her go on her own or were more flexible with the times she's allowed to go so that she could see them more often.

As of today Emma-Sky is still not being fed, the doctor that's on for the next two weeks says they will probably wait until Wednesday to start again. She was really active though and not acting sick like the last time this happened. She was lifting herself up with one bent leg, arching her back and balancing her weight between that leg and her shoulders, showing off her strength. Grandma was there today and was impressed ;) Her O2 was bumped up to 25%, she had 3 episodes of desaturation last night. This concerns me but the green fluid coming up from her tummy seems to have lessened and is not nearly as green as it was before.

When I called this morning Lucian's nurse told me he was completely off of O2. I was so surprised I had to clarify that he had nothing now, no mask on his face? She said when she came on the shift he was at 21% (the lowest setting there is) and they decided to let him try to breathe on his own. We were happy but also curious if this decision had more to do with the condition of his septum than anything else. The septum is still not right, and there are talks of plastic surgery closer to when he's ready to come home. I'm still hopeful that by some miracle the tissue regenerates or ... something. I hope that his pulseox stays where it needs to be, high 80s, low 90s now that he's breathing in room air, just like you and I.