Time to talk....

So where do you begin? Where does it end? Do we even know where we started or where we were going? There was a point in my life where I believed I had a grasp of that very concept. The truth is I knew nothing.....
Jane spoke of time very early on in this blog, I feel like I should re-visit it as it has bearing on all our lives without truly giving us a glimpse of its importance in shaping our lives. We all live inside a clock in some way or another. We set goals, make appointments, go on with our daily deeds without giving so much as a thought as to what each tick of that clock gives to us. It provides a time frame for us to "shape" our worlds, reach those goals. What happens when the clock stops ticking? Under most circumstance that tick stops at death, a point at which we no longer can carry on with our "life events". In my case, the clock stopped on April 9th, 2009.
Everything that you believed to be of at least semi-importance suddenly becomes completely inconsequential and obsolete. EVERYTHING. But on the other hand the show must go on. But now the game has changed, outlooks on life change. The most primordial instinct of self preservation now becomes superseded by the urge to care for ones offspring. In its obsolescence the mind tends to break down to basics, or ceases to produce any meaningful will to do anything other than protect. Protect those who can't be protected. Those who need an advocate for their very survival. That is now my ONLY focus in life.
I've been told I am a prick, asshole, jerk and many other choice phrases for doing just that. Protecting. Their are few true protectors left, and even less who understand the concept. We as men all posses this "instinct" to protect our families and the helpless. It has been bred into us for thousands of years. However in this modern age that absolutely essential part of manhood has now been reaccessed. In me it is alive and kicking. I would protect and provide for my family even if the penalty was certain death. I know many of you say you would do the same, but if you were faced with a loaded gun and the trigger pull was you or another, not many would take the hit. My job on this planet is to protect. PERIOD. Personally I think this trait has made me a horrible father and husband. When your mind revolves around keeping everyone safe, you can't seem to deal with the everyday mundane tasks such as basic child care, or being a loving husband. It's not in my chemistry. I'm not saying I'm emotionally incapable, but just not up to snuff of what we all would consider normality in the realm. On the other hand, NOTHING will ever happen to my family. If it's within my power in any way shape or form, it will be done. Now this brings me back to April 9Th.
At 1:04am my life changed, my brain basically shut down. My son was born. 15 weeks early, extremely premature, and low chance for survival. At 1:07am my problems doubled, my daughter, Emma-Sky was born. Now what does a protector do when he can't protect? What happens to the control variable when its taken out of the equation? You shut down. You become numb to just about everything. Sitting, waiting, for the moment where you can jump in and save your precious loved ones. Unfortunately that day has still not come. I am still at the mercy and incompetency of the NICU at Methodist Hospital. At any point I get to interject, and voice my opinions on what's best for my children it gets shot down, only to find out days later that I was right and now what might have been a minor complication due to being picked up upon by a parent has now blossomed into life or death consequence. Now you begin to question yourself. Did I do enough? Was I firm enough with my requests? And with each occurrence you pray. You pray that this was not your final test in life, your last opportunity to provide that protection that is deeply intertwined into your soul. This time I'm not so sure. Emma isn't doing well and the burden will fall on my soul if something happens. This is my struggle, this is my life. I live day-2-day with uncertainty of the outcome. What leeway time will afford me to correct my shortcomings, if at all. Time rules all. Each second you have that time has privileged you to have, use it wisely. As you never know when your clock will stop, and second chances are all but a dream. The ironic part of all this is that I have 2 absolutely beautiful children(Madison, 4 and Lukas, 3) that are happy and healthy, that I love to death. But the liability I bear calls for all to be well. Until Emma and Lucian come home, my heart and head will not be whole. The casualty of this is my 2 older children have to bear the burden of my inability to differentiate between them and the new infants. To me they are one of the same, 4 is a whole, anything less is none. I pray that no matter what happens I will be strong enough to carry on my duties and responsibility to Madison and Lukas. They need me and I need them. I hope I can be the father they need and so desperately want. Time will tell how this plays out. God has a plan, I just wish sometimes he would share it with the rest of us.....