The waiting game

I should be sleeping but I'm not. I'm wondering if our babies, so vulnerable and sweet, are looking for us, seeing strangers looking back at them - changing them - feeding them - holding them. I look at pictures I took earlier today and cry for all the time I can't be there. I cry for the little breastmilk I have left, wishing I could find the time to pump at even half the rate at which I should be. I'm not doing anything well... the house remains neglected, a basket of unfolded clothes taunts me at the side of the bed, the to do list grows and grows, I have lists of lists. There's food that needs to be bought and meals that need to be cooked. I miss my mom terribly and am grateful for all the times she calls to see how her grandbabies are doing, how we're doing, reminding me I have to eat. I'd like to kidnap her for a weekend just for her company, the familiar, comforting sound of her voice. I'm grateful my grandparents are just downstairs and feel bad when I can't get to the store or help them settle in. There are bills paid late, phone calls left unmade, and an oil change months past due. I keep wanting to send a note to the students in my class who I haven't seen in over two months and won't see until the fall when they're 3rd graders. They lost me very unexpectedly and in many ways I feel lost, not sure of how to find my way back. I miss my friends and hope they understand that I can't manage to eat twice a day let alone make a phone call. I worry about my sister who makes me laugh every day and has a week of regents exams ahead of here. Adam and I try to steal some moments to just stop and be together but they're few and fleeting. I miss him and am incredibly lucky for his support, love, and strength. I'm spread too thin, wishing there were more hours in the day and doing the best I can, but falling short. I want it to be the way it was supposed to be, me being uncomfortable and huge right now, preparing to have happy healthy babies, their nursery ready and waiting. Maybe this is how it's supposed to be although I haven't a clue as to why. As of today Emma-Sky is still on antibiotics, they've started to feed her two ccs of breastmilk which she isn't able to digest. She had yet another blood transfusion today. Lucian is breathing on his own but still having episodes of desaturation. She weighs 3 pounds 10 ounces, he's 4 pounds 1 ounce. There are mornings I wake up and don't want to face another day, having to go to that miserable, dark, gloomy hospital, waiting to talk to the doctor, waiting for the nurses to give some bits of information, waiting for them to come home.